To the Ninja next door

To the ninja who lives next-door to me:

I have to admit, ninja, we all thought your antics were a healthy mixture of quaint and impressive at the beginning of the semester. There we all were, the house members of 424 Main St. coming home from a day of classes, lugging our laundry to the basement, or returning home from weekends home, and there you were in your back yard wearing what can only be described as traditional martial arts vestments executing various moves of a discipline I cannot claim to understand. For a time we were scared of you, but could you blame us? Yours was an existence shrouded in secrecy behind your trees and bushes performing kicks and chops you've clearly practiced for years. You didn't want us to inquire as to what exactly you were doing, as I'm sure your years of experience in the aforementioned practice could never be comprehended by us simpletons next-door. So we kept our distance and minded our own business, all the while referring to you as "The Ninja." Occasionally on our walks to and from whatever pointless task our lives have asked of us we would see you wielding a sword and marching back and forth in various warrior-like poses. I believe I once saw you practicing with another Ninja, a female; One of your understudies, we surmised. But then, Ninja, you slowly began to give yourself away, breaking several staples of the Ninja code along the way. So today I, Tim Killeen, am calling you out.

Ninja, from this point forward I shall refer to you as "Steve," as you no longer deserve your once proud title.

Steve, the reason you have been stripped of your title is obvious: You are not a mercenary agent trained in the martial arts and hired for covert opearations such as assassination and sabotage. You are also not totally sweet, nor do you fit any of the 3 main rules to being a Ninja that I learned while studying the art at this highly respected and historically backed website full of Ninja knowledge. I gathered these facts about you over a two week period in which you made a few cogent errors that revealed to us that you are not a Ninja, but instead a nerd in search of attention:

ERROR #1: Steve, you are white, and while in no way is this an error that you could have controlled, you should have known better than to convince us of your status as a Ninja when you are in fact a white male attending Ursinus College.

ERROR #2: While returning home from a trip to the bank one day, I pulled up next to your brown Ford contour (I'll admit, this vehicle does earn you Ninja points for being an inconspicuous shitbox) only to glance over at your sword collection propped ever so willfully at an angle that says to any passerby "hey, look over at me, I'm a weapon you've never seen before. Clearly my owner is a cool guy and you should befriend/date him." Shame on you, Steve. A true Ninja would never be so desperate.

ERROR #3: Don't think we haven't seen and made fun of that Huffy you ride on to class every day. I applaud the fact that you're saving gas money, but that bike is hideously attention grabbing...just like your martial arts, perhaps?

ERROR #4: Steve, two weeks ago a friend and I, persuaded by the prospect of free food, beverages, and live music, showed up at the Ursinus World Youth Peace Vigil. While it was cold and we didn't stay long enough to see any of the bands perform, we stuck around just long enough to see YOU acting like a complete jackass somewhere near the stage. You were in street clothes doing your little martial arts shtick and NOBODY cared or even asked you what you were doing because it was a World Peace Vigil and not a Watch the Jackass Pretend to be a Ninja show. At least in the broad light of the walkway lamps I could see (albeit just barely) that you don't even look like you know what you're doing. Instead, you were flailing about awkwardly and at one point you almost kicked an innocent bystander by accident. People were talking about you..and let me tell you, they were not saying nice things.

So Steve, we learned that while you may have a hobby, you are still just a jackass asking us for attention. While we used to fear you and marvel at the thought of having such skill, we have now lost a lot of respect for you.

Sincerely,
Everyone who has to witness your existence.


The preceding post was only true provided that:
1. Steve never reads this
OR
2. Those swords are fake