To the Ninja next door

To the ninja who lives next-door to me:

I have to admit, ninja, we all thought your antics were a healthy mixture of quaint and impressive at the beginning of the semester. There we all were, the house members of 424 Main St. coming home from a day of classes, lugging our laundry to the basement, or returning home from weekends home, and there you were in your back yard wearing what can only be described as traditional martial arts vestments executing various moves of a discipline I cannot claim to understand. For a time we were scared of you, but could you blame us? Yours was an existence shrouded in secrecy behind your trees and bushes performing kicks and chops you've clearly practiced for years. You didn't want us to inquire as to what exactly you were doing, as I'm sure your years of experience in the aforementioned practice could never be comprehended by us simpletons next-door. So we kept our distance and minded our own business, all the while referring to you as "The Ninja." Occasionally on our walks to and from whatever pointless task our lives have asked of us we would see you wielding a sword and marching back and forth in various warrior-like poses. I believe I once saw you practicing with another Ninja, a female; One of your understudies, we surmised. But then, Ninja, you slowly began to give yourself away, breaking several staples of the Ninja code along the way. So today I, Tim Killeen, am calling you out.

Ninja, from this point forward I shall refer to you as "Steve," as you no longer deserve your once proud title.

Steve, the reason you have been stripped of your title is obvious: You are not a mercenary agent trained in the martial arts and hired for covert opearations such as assassination and sabotage. You are also not totally sweet, nor do you fit any of the 3 main rules to being a Ninja that I learned while studying the art at this highly respected and historically backed website full of Ninja knowledge. I gathered these facts about you over a two week period in which you made a few cogent errors that revealed to us that you are not a Ninja, but instead a nerd in search of attention:

ERROR #1: Steve, you are white, and while in no way is this an error that you could have controlled, you should have known better than to convince us of your status as a Ninja when you are in fact a white male attending Ursinus College.

ERROR #2: While returning home from a trip to the bank one day, I pulled up next to your brown Ford contour (I'll admit, this vehicle does earn you Ninja points for being an inconspicuous shitbox) only to glance over at your sword collection propped ever so willfully at an angle that says to any passerby "hey, look over at me, I'm a weapon you've never seen before. Clearly my owner is a cool guy and you should befriend/date him." Shame on you, Steve. A true Ninja would never be so desperate.

ERROR #3: Don't think we haven't seen and made fun of that Huffy you ride on to class every day. I applaud the fact that you're saving gas money, but that bike is hideously attention grabbing...just like your martial arts, perhaps?

ERROR #4: Steve, two weeks ago a friend and I, persuaded by the prospect of free food, beverages, and live music, showed up at the Ursinus World Youth Peace Vigil. While it was cold and we didn't stay long enough to see any of the bands perform, we stuck around just long enough to see YOU acting like a complete jackass somewhere near the stage. You were in street clothes doing your little martial arts shtick and NOBODY cared or even asked you what you were doing because it was a World Peace Vigil and not a Watch the Jackass Pretend to be a Ninja show. At least in the broad light of the walkway lamps I could see (albeit just barely) that you don't even look like you know what you're doing. Instead, you were flailing about awkwardly and at one point you almost kicked an innocent bystander by accident. People were talking about you..and let me tell you, they were not saying nice things.

So Steve, we learned that while you may have a hobby, you are still just a jackass asking us for attention. While we used to fear you and marvel at the thought of having such skill, we have now lost a lot of respect for you.

Sincerely,
Everyone who has to witness your existence.


The preceding post was only true provided that:
1. Steve never reads this
OR
2. Those swords are fake

Thanksgiving: A Look Back

Assuming the tryptophan can hold back for 10 minutes, I'd like to mention the one thing that hindered the potential of an otherwise heartily successful T-Give Thursday.

While watching and playing football are a part of many a family's holiday tradition, I prefer to play football on the days thereafter and instead focus my Thanksgiving energies on sleeping as late as possible followed by a healthy dose of laying around watching television marathons until parental forces compel my zombie alter-personality to "get a friggin shower." Even as a child when the Thanksgiving Day Parade in Philadelphia was all the rage in the Killeen household, I would return home frozen and bitter ready to glue my ass to a couch and watch Comedy Central. Specifically, I remember watching Saturday Night Live and Mystery Science Theatre for hours on end.

But then, seemingly out of nowhere, E! bought the rights(?) to show SNL reruns only to hardly ever play the damn show and Comedy Central realized that nobody really watched MST3K except my family (we own a few of the dvd's). So today I settled for an Everybody Loves Raymond marathon, which got the job done but just wasn't quite the same.

Goodnight and good luck.

Watch good television

I don't watch a whole lot of tv anymore, but I must admit that for the first time since TGIF in 3rd grade there are exactly 4 shows that I must watch on a weekly basis. They are: Arrested Development, The Office, The Daily Show, and the Colbert Report. On any given week I might watch Law and Order: SVU too, but that comes on TNT several times a weekend.

Sadly I admit that I actually do get my daily news from both the Daily Show and Colbert Report, but anyone who watches has to admit that this is not necessarily a bad thing. I get to hear political news reported a bit to the left of center, just the way I like it. Besides, I'm really getting sick of the "fake news" label these shows have and the way that Jon Stewart constantly talks about "not taking it seriously" or "just joking." That clearly is not the case anymore. These shows do actually report real happenings in the world. Back in the Craig Kilbourn days "fake news" may have been the appropriate label (although it was still funny), but now these shows have become the blueprint for satire. And no matter what the satire is pointed towards, whether it be Bush, terrorism, the way news is reported, or organized religion, the message is always real and not "fake." In other words, Jon Stewart would likely not have poked a considerable amount of fun at the nomination of Harriet Miers for Supreme Court had he not actually believed it to be the wrong nomination, etc. Of course, to anyone as devoted to Comedy Central as I am this article is trite. I just hate hearing the phrase "fake news," and think these shows should take their influence on the voting public a little bit more seriously. In fact, I would not be opposed to seeing people like Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert on CNN and the other powerhouse news formats more often. They could just walk onto these sets like badasses and pretty much say whatever they want (possibly in pirate costumes). Remember Stewart on Crossfire last year? He completely ripped Tucker Carlson a new one and people loved him for it. Why not more of that? GET ME MORE OF THAT.

Of course, the Daily Show and Colbert Report really have no competition in the satire genre. There are, however, people who try. Even within the confines of Comedy Central there is another show trying to pull off the "fake news" bit, only with a lot less efficiency. The show is "The Showbiz Show," hosted by David Spade. Whereas Colbert and Stewart handle the news in general, Showbiz is more of a satire on Access Hollywood and other celebrity news. Make no mistake, though, this is by no means a new bit for David Spade, and in this case it is done with awkwardly to say the least. Back when Spade did both "Hollywood Minute" and "Spade Across America" for Saturday Night Live the material was relatively brash and seemed to attack all celebrities equally. Back then Spade was just a New York SNL cast member writing comedy on a weekly basis. Then he had some film and tv success and his new Showbiz Show sucks. The jokes are flaky and seem like they are avoiding anything unexpected. But then again I was pretty young when Spade was on SNL, so I'm really biased.

And then there's that Adam Corolla trainwreck. Why is that guy still relevant in comedy? Who is he? Do people think he's funny? Honestly...

And also, Tucker Carlson is a dick.